I’m learning a whole lot in this new role as a pastor.
I was called late Friday afternoon, by a guy who has been attending New Passion faithfully and who was a major part of a former student ministry where I served in a neighboring town.
His sister in law passed away suddenly from a virus a week prior and they asked if I would say a few words from a pastoral standpoint at a graveside funeral the next afternoon, that they were putting together for the sister-in-law’s family before they had to leave town. I agreed, but reluctantly because I’ve never “officiated” a funeral before.
The husband had no insurance, so they could not afford an elaborate funeral. Her family wanted to cremate the body, but her husbands family wanted to give her as much of a proper burial as possible. They settled on a “Green Burial” where the casket and the body will return to the earth over a matter of time.
I did everything I thought I was supposed to do. I said everything I prepared to say; shared all of the verses that I thought were appropriate. I spoke with the family and did my best to console them and encourage them. But, something just felt weird. In the middle of the quick service, I felt empty. Although I was the one talking, it was as if I was not there, only looking in on the family that was staring at this mound of dirt, where the 24 year old daughter-in-law and wife was buried a day prior. My words rang hollow in my own head. I couldn’t help but to think that there was nothing I was saying that was making a difference. Sure you may be holier than me and say that Scripture always makes a difference, but I would beg to differ.
If I was standing at a grave site burying my 24 year old wife, I think in my devastation I would tune everything out. I know I probably said it 10 times that there was nothing I could say that would take the sting of this death away in that moment. I am not sure if it was even heard. Is there anything that can be said when a family is standing there soaked in their tears, dealing with such a great loss? I will forever hate doing funerals. I don’t understand how pastors can perform them as if they are another service. Though I have lost loved ones and I have been a Paul Bearer and attended many funerals the reality of death never struck me in this way before.
As I prepared to leave, the Mother-in-law walked to my car with me and talked with me further. Before I got into the car, she handed me a thank you card sealed in an envelope. I didn’t want to be presumptuous that they had given me any money, because that is not why I was there, so I didn’t even respond that they ‘didn’t have to do that’ as she gave me the card, in case it was just a simple ‘Thank you.’ They did give me a financial gift, but I’ve never felt so wrong about money in my life! Regardless of what that money is used for, whether bills or ministry or anything else, I cannot get over the fact that it required someone dying for me to obtain that money. It may seem simple for some, but two days later, I cannot shake that thought. As I drove away, I had the thought, “What can really be said in that moment of saying goodbye?” Do we really know? Or do we only pretend to know? Maybe I am weird, but this funeral was the toughest thing I have ever done.
Join the Conversation…What has your experiences with death and funerals been?
Gavin asked why a nurse came to our house the other morning, so Nicki was explaining to both Gavin and Tristan that the nurse came to do different tests so we could increase our life insurance.