Tag: children

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Confession: My Son Got in Trouble and I Did His Work for Him

When I was a child, if I did something wrong, or was set up by my older sister, my dad would spank me with a brown, leather belt.

As I got a little older, if I did something wrong, or was set up by my older sister, my dad would spank me with a wood cutting board he made into a paddle.

As I became a pre-teen and teenager, my dad began assigning me Bible verses to write, or he’d make me look up every. single. Bible. verse. pertaining to my fault (I.E. If I was caught lying, I was given his Thompson Chain  Reference Bible and was required to write every verse connected with honesty, truth, and etc; essentially any verse the was the opposite behavior of lying). 

On many occasions I have also given my children Bible verses to write. I believe as we insert scripture, it helps reveal the wrong in our hearts and shows us where to correct course and align our hearts and life with the heart and life God calls us to live.

I utilized this same “discipline” in the substance abuse program I used to manage. I initiated a Bible verse writing program for policy infractions. The men hated it, but most of the men who were successful in the program, and had to write Bible verses along the way, would eventually thank me for the writing assignments. The theory was to put in the truth (the good) to push out the bad (that which was causing the infractions).

Tristan got in trouble last night, so I assigned him a Bible verse writing assignment. I initially told him he had to write Romans 13:1-3, 100x’s, but after realizing how long that passage is for him, I changed it to 30x’s. Before making any changes, I allowed him to write 10 verses and then asked him what the verse said and what it meant. He was able to clearly communicate it to me (which was part of my main goal). Between homework and his diligent writing, it took him until 9 p.m. to write 12 verses (it’s VERY long). 

At some point during the night I had a thought that I wanted to teach him the gospel through this situation. Yes, he needs to obey his teachers, his parents, and any other adults that have authority over him. He needs to learn that discipline, especially as an impressionable young man, but at his impressionable age he also needs to learn the gospel. God is not pleased with us just because we follow the rules; God does not accept us because we follow all of the rules. Forgiveness and salvation are not a result of our following all of the rules. It’s solely based on our faith in Jesus and what he did for us.

So, how could I teach him the gospel?

Take his punishment for him.

Tristan sinned in his behavior and earned the right to be disciplined. I assigned the penalty for his sin and then I paid the penalty I assigned to him, for him.

I wrote Tristan’s Bible verse assignment for him. I didn’t want to. It was painful. I wanted to stop and just say I forgive the debt, but that wasn’t the full picture of the gospel. Yes, God could have just said our sin debts were forgiven and he could have wiped them all clean, but he didn’t do that. God established specific requirements that had to be fulfilled in order for our sins to be forgiven. When we couldn’t fulfill God’s requirements for forgiveness, he sent his Son, Jesus to pay our penalty on our behalf.

God assigned the penalty for our sin and then God paid that penalty for us.

Jesus suffered and he sacrificed so we could be forgiven.

[tweetthis]God assigned the penalty for our sin and then God paid that penalty for us.[/tweetthis]

Here’s an interesting lesson I learned: As painful as it was for me to write his sentences for him to fulfill my own requirements, there was an excitement within me to be able to give this gift to him. I want Tristan to experience a fresh perspective of the gospel, but I think in the process I personally gained a fresh perspective of God, as my Father. If I was excited to give this gift to my son, how excited is God to give us his gift of salvation? His gift of forgiveness? His gift of mercy and grace? It cost him greatly, but he does not offer this gift to us begrudgingly; he gives it freely, lovingly, and with joy.

As Christians, God doesn’t want us begrudgingly living for or serving him. He wants us to live for him as a response to his love and grace, because we want to, not because we have to. My hope is that my children won’t just obey because they fear having to write Bible verses, or fear detention at school, or some other form of discipline. Instead, I hope they will live an honorable, productive, God-honoring life in response to God’s love and in response to their parent’s love; because they want to, not because they have to. 

Join the Conversation: As Christian parents, what are ways you’ve been able to teach or demonstrate the gospel to your children through your discipline processes or in general?

 

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A Day of Honor

The Carnes MenToday is a Day to Honor….

It is a day to pause and to reflect on the goodness of God to give such a wonderful gift as a father. Not all men deserve this honor, but there are a select group of men that, although are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, strive hard and give their best to be a father, husband and man deserving of honor and respect.

Today, as I think about the many friends that I have who either lost their dad at an early age or was brought into this world by a man that may embody the term by gender  but insults the very meaning of the word in deed and lifestyle, my gratitude to God increases for the dad that he allowed me to have and the time he has given me with him.

My dad is not perfect, but he is a man that deserves respect and honor. He helped lay so many of the stones that I now walk on as a foundation for my life. He modeled what it means to live a sacrificially for those that you love. That sacrifice may have embodied working multiple jobs to pay the bills or going without personally so that his kids could have what was needed, but whatever form it found itself in, it was modeled in quiet humility, never demanding or requiring gratitude or the slightest appreciation. If I had to describe my dad in two words it would have to be quiet and steady. He always just does what needs to be done. He has never been one to seek the spotlight or wanted to attract a lot of attention.

My dad is a man of conviction and integrity. In 2007, he ran for the U.S. Senate against Lindsey Graham and later the U.S. Congress. Some may have looked on in disdain or with a slight snicker under their breath because of the great odds that he was up against with a career politician. But, how many other men can say they had convictions about the way our country should be run and stood up to do something about it? Win, lose or draw…you can only make a difference if you get in the game…my dad got in the game and made his voice heard as loud as he could with as much platform as he was allowed to have. I always believed he had a chance to win!

There have been times in my lifetime that I have seen people rise up against my dad, falsely accusing him of things and trying to ruin his name, and while everything inside of me wanted him to fight against them and tell them how things really were, he was quiet and steady; just doing the right thing and not answering fools according to their foolishness (Proverbs 26:4).

My dad helped lay the stones of my faith and my involvement in the ministry. He didn’t look down on me because of my age, but he allowed me to serve in various roles as a young person and many times by his side on the Migrant Fields of South Georgia. It was through this exposure and this experience that I felt God calling me into full time ministry. My dad didn’t always just teach me what was right and wrong, but he challenged me to compare my own personal views to the teachings provided to us in Scripture. As I made a choice to walk away from some of the traditions I was raised in within the church (although I have never walked away from the faith), my dad stood by quiet and steady and allowed me to forge my own path for which God uses to this day. He never forced his opinions or his convictions on me, rather he allowed me to be led by God on the path he helped lay.

My dad taught me how to be faithful and committed to my family. To marry a woman that is better than the rest. He taught me on my first Christmas to take his better power drill back to the store and keep my wife’s crappy drill…he assured me things in the home would run much smoother if I did…so I did as he suggested.

I could go on and on and on about the lessons I have learned from my dad and the positive impact he has had on my life. Today, I am blessed that God, in his mercy, was so kind to give me a dad I could honor and be proud to call my own.

Nick and KidsToday is a Day to Feel Honored…

Being a dad is a scary proposition. You’ve never been one until you’ve been one. Today, is a day that I get to pause and reflect on how blessed I truly am and how honored I am to be the dad to my three children: Gavin, Tristan and Hailey.

All three are unique in their own way, but they all make me smile and they all make me feel a little closer to God knowing how he must look down on us, his children, with joy, laughter and pride.

I am honored that many times as I walk towards the door to go to work, I can’t get there without all three of my kids tackling me, almost knocking me to the ground to make sure they hug me goodbye. I am honored that many times as I walk towards the door to come in to the house as I am returning for work I am greeted in the garage or in the doorway with their hugs and smiles greeting me from a long day a part.

I love the gift God has given me of fatherhood. I love chasing my children around the house and having pillow fights. I love having them beg to ride in my car home from church. I love knowing my kids love me and want to be a part of my life and want me to be a part of their life. What joy it is to be a father. I desire to be the kind of father that deserves respect and honor.

Being a dad is scary and there are always fears of screwing up and making the wrong choices or having to watch your child deal with the pain of their own bad choices. I am blessed and honored to have the greatest woman on the planet to be by my side and to forge this journey together. Nicki makes me a better man and she challenges me, whether I always admit it or not, to be a better man. I wouldn’t be anything my children deserve without her by my side. I hope that in the end, I will have impacted my children’s lives in the same positive way my dad impacted mine.

 

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Why Does My Child ALWAYS Respond with, “Good”?

We’ve all been there. The kids climb into the car as we pick them up from school and our immediate question for them is, “how was your day at school?” And it seems to never fail, everyday, year-after-year we get the same response, “good.”

In his book, It’s Better to Build Boys than Mend Men, S. Truett Cathy addresses this predicament that all parents face almost daily:

I’ve read surveys that show how little time parents spend with their children, and I wonder how they expect to build relationships in just a few minutes a day. Many parents, including folks who work at Chick-fil-A, have a shortage of time with their families. That’s one reason why we close all of our restaurants on Sunday, so that families can be guaranteed at least one day a week together.

Knowing that time is tight and that you have only a few years to make the strongest positive impact on your children, don’t spend your precious family days on the golf course or watching sports on television all afternoon. Don’t consider watching TV with your children to be “quality time.” You may be in the same room, buy you’re not together. Participate in activities with your children. Play games together. Seek opportunities to be with them on their turf. Volunteer to coach their sports team, lead their Scout troop, or teach their Sunday school class.

Then communicate. But don’t expect them to share their feelings on your schedule. You have to wait patiently. When our children were young and I came home from work, I’d ask. “How are things?” They’d say, “Good.” And that was the end of the conversation.

I learned that when you talk to children, a conversation won’t happen when it’s convenient for you but when it’s convenient for them. You never call a child in and then say, “Well, let’s talk.” The child won’t have anything to say. But if you’re around children long enough, they’ll open up and start to share their problems or opportunities. When they do, you’d better stop whatever you’re doing to listen because the opportunity may not come around again for a while.

One weekend when our daughter, Trudy, was home from college, she told me, “Dad, the thing I remember most about you are the times you sat at my bedside and let me tell you all the things I did that day.” All the possessions we had shared with her-clothes, a car, a nice house to grow up in-were secondary to those times we spent together at bedtime talking.

Join the conversation…what has been your experience with engaging your child into conversation?

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Fatherless

I started reading, “It’s Better to Build Boys Than Mend Men” by S. Truett Cathy

Chapter One shares these disturbing facts about fatherlessness in the United States:

The Results of Fatherlessness:

The United States is the world’s leader in fatherless homes. The results of our actions, according to the Father’s Manifesto:

  • 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes
  • 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes (I personally see the results of this daily).
  • 80% of rapists motivated with displaced angers come from fatherless homes.
  • 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes
  • 85% of youth in prison grew up in fatherless homes
  • 75% of all adolescent patients in drug treatment centers come from fatherless homes (I personally see this manifest itself in adult males, daily)

Children from Fatherless Homes are:

  • 5 times more likely to commit suicide
  • 32 times more likely to run away
  • 20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders
  • 14 times more likely to commit rape
  • 9 times more likely to drop out of school
  • 10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances
  • 9 times more likely to end up in a state-operated institution
  • 20 times more likely to end up in prison

When we hear or read ‘fatherless’ homes, we tend to assume that there is no father figure in the home, however Truett Cathy points out that many, “children all around us are growing up without strong positive guidance from their parents, who are busy, distracted, absent, or who choose to be buddies instead of parents to their children.” Some fatherless homes are homes with a disengaged father living in them. So, whether the father has left the home or is simply disengaged and still living in the home; a father’s choices and actions make a huge impact on his children.

Truett Cathy makes the following point, “Don’t be too concerned that your children don’t listen to you. But be very concerned that they see everything you do.” Mr. Cathy’s story is one of a disengaged father, but he had a Sunday School teacher that came along and provided a positive, father-like influence in his life that made a huge impact in his life.

In what ways do you as a dad need to engage your children in a positive, Biblical way to impact their future? Do you know of any children that have a disengaged or an absent father in their life that you can influence in a positive, Biblical way as a father-like mentor?

 

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There’s Hope for a New Generation of Young People

Nicki was cleaning the house the other day and found a paper airplane one of the boys had made lying on the floor. As she went to put it into the trash can she noticed that it had writing on it, so she opened it up and found a note Gavin had written. Apparently, Gavin had a class assignment where he had to write a note which included all of his spelling words. Nicki showed me the note, I was totally amazed.

Gavin is 9 years old and is writing about God as if he has known him for 25 years. I wish I had this level of understanding about God when I was 9 years old and now that I am 31, I wish more adults had this level of understanding about God. I am biased being that I am Gavin’s dad, but I am proud of him that he would write something like this for school, but also because he seems to truly understand our God. I read this and immediately felt confident that there is hope for the upcoming generation of young people. May God continue to raise up a generation of young men and young ladies who will live gospel-centered lives for the glory of God.

Click on the image to enlarge it, if you still can’t read it, I typed the words out below and underlined his spelling words as they appear in the note.

CLICK Photo to Enlarge

 

I live in the state of Georgia where we lively honor God. He wants us to be honest. He will direct us away from evil. He is the direction. There is no doubt that he is good. He is not doubtful of people who worship him. I know he is good and not evil. He is not unknown he is known by people who love him. He can make me relive. He is living and there are statues of him, but we worship he himself. He is honorable. Honestly, I love him. He is my director. He will not indirect us, he is always leading us in the right direction. He is undoubted and always trusted. He gives us knowledge.

My favorite parts:

He is living and there are statues of him, but we worship he himself.
Honestly, I love him.